Recently I’ve been thinking about who I am. Am I who I want
to be? How do other’s see me? I’ve been taking a self-inventory if you will.
I’ve become aware over the past few years that to some
people, I give the impression of having it all together. To them I appear as
one who struggles with little, a poster boy of what being Christian means. I
appear at peace.
Some of my friends know otherwise. They know how I’ve
struggled. Like when I seek to resolve conflict, I become pushy while seeking resolution.
I’ve struggled with confidence, and insecurities, some dating back to middle
school. I scrutinize myself under a fine microscope, comparing myself to the
life Christ lived himself, to Paul, and others. I try to hold myself to a high
standard because as I face hard questions Christianity presents, I seek to
answer them the way I feel God would have me.
But I fail so many times at being where I want to be. I
don’t find myself compassionate enough to the homeless and the hungry. I’m not
humble enough to admit a mistake to an arrogant co-worker. And so I berate
myself, and say I’ll do better.
Paul says it well in Romans 7:14-25. “I have desire to do
what is good but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to
do; no the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing.”
I am reminded like the Lost Son in Luke 15 that I cannot
work to bring about my own redemption, I cannot earn my own restoration, cannot
work enough to restore what I’ve lost and continue to lose. Last year God taught
me much about having faith in Him, this year it is about faithfulness to Him.
And in light of all this, Paul’s words finally lose the
sound of being cliché, and a truth hammers home for the first time. “Who will
rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God-Through Jesus Christ our
Lord!” Only God’s grace through Jesus can save me from myself, and only His
grace can take me where I want to go. I am powerless to do anything except to
throw up my hands, admit futility, and receive God’s grace.
By the same token, I’m finally accepting that I cannot force
growth and maturity as a Christian. I have to surrender and accept growth from
God. I am a plant that is dependent upon rain, sunlight and, nutrients in the
soil. I cannot control them, or place them on a cycle. I must receive what
comes.
I must surrender, even as my human nature fights to have
responsibility for my growth and my sanctification.
