Who am I?

This past week, I've given a lot of thought to my beliefs about God, and how they've changed over the past 4 years. I grew up in an Original Free Will Baptist Church. We're the smaller of the two Free Will Baptist Denominational groups in the U.S. (If you care about such things). My church at home is steeped in doing things traditionally, from the message, to the style of the service. Now we mix it up form time to time, but I say all that to give an insight into my background.

I consider myself above all else a Christian. There are times where I want to classify myself differently because of the bad image, Christians have given the world over recent history, but I stick with the name, to hopefully restore who God meant for us to be. A transformed living being in who the fullness of Christ is dwelling. I haven't attained that yet, but I know that is the ultimate goal, the end result, what a mature Christian looks like. Check out Stephen in Acts 6-8 sometime and see for yourself. It gives me chills.

I used to focus on keeping rules, and my faith was largely what others had told me to believe. That was a me who focused so much on staying within the boundary of Christianity like one might try to stay in bounds on the football field. I focused so much on being in bounds that there was no passion, no enjoyment.

Then I discovered a God who cares more about giving life, and about a relationship, than someone who rewards heaven to those who follow all his rules. I believe God speaks to me in subtle ways, and that He has a real power at work.

Now I am passionate, now I have inexpressible joy, now I have purpose to get up in the mornings, and leave my cuddly cocoon.

And now, I can begin love God, and his creation, because now, I am experiencing His love.

P.S. I'm getting to know the creative persona of God. That creator who has stopped me countless times in my tracks to observe a bit of nature, or a piece of art in its various forms.

Living and Dying

As I survey the landscape, my eyes behold

A tree of life, with various fruits. Many grafted into the branches, their forefathers previously having grown from the tree, but their children having been separated. Many of those fruits still bear the scars of the malnourishment they received prior to being grafted in. Many more now bear fruit.

I see other fruit all around the tree still, lying on the ground, having attempted to take root in the rocky soil, but finding no water because only the tree of life's roots tap into the stream of rushing water. The sun scorches them, they wither and bruise from the separation, the attempt to live separately. But they fail to realize they are only dying, ever so slowly.

I see a husbandman attempting to restore the fruit to the tree, taking what fruits will willingly surrender to new life, and give up striking it out alone. I see him revisit some time and time again that will not break root. He frowns, and moves on to others, not willing that any should perish, but knowing ultimately its up to each fruit to decide.

"Will I let my roots be broken, risk all I have known, to take up a new life? Will I set aside my pride of living by my own means?"

Short with huge questions to ask ourselves

For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all therefore all have died; and he died for all that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. II Corinthians 5:14-15 ESV

What has the ultimate say in our lives? Does the love of Christ weigh in on our actions, or do our own motives make every move?

And are we living for Him since he died for us so that we would no longer live just for ourselves?

"Every relationship for a Christian is an opportunity to love another person as God has loved us." Joshua Harris

I see a little bit of God...

I see a little bit of God in the friend who is willing to wait until 8:45pm to get dinner and spend time catching up and watching over each other's back.

I see a little bit of God in the friend who cares about the details of my life, who knows I have more to offer.

I see a little bit of God in the friend who asks me daily if I'm having a good day and if I'm alright, even if their day is horrible.

I see a little bit of God in the friend who considers me worthy of their entourage on that special day.

I see a little bit of God in the friend who feeds me often, with meat from His word, and sweets to satisfy my tongue for a while.

I see a little bit of God who with hugs, and warm greetings, values me as their partner in His Kingdom.

I see a little bit of God in the friend who takes a few minutes to write to me from 198 miles away.

I see a little bit of God in the friend who I find constantly seeking that next adventure He is calling them to.

I see all these little pieces of God in so many people, that I can forget what I do not have in my life, and praise Him for all the pieces I do have, and for all the people those pieces come from.

The Father's love

Last night about 2:30am, me and a few friends drove out of the city limits of Greenville out to a large field in the middle of no where off of 264. There was a meteor shower last night, incase you didn't know.

I chose a spot outside of Greenville earlier Monday because I knew the light pollution would keep us from really seeing all the stars in the sky. About 20 min outside the city I found this field that belonged to a farm just off the highway.

As we pulled up a lil before 3am into the field, a shooting star/meteor came down right in front of us, leaving a trail and disappearing into the horizon. It was like God was confirming the spot as a good place to camp out.

The rest of the evening unfolded with oohs, oreos and peanut butter, hot chocolate, words of praise, and the most random/hilarious conversations.

The meteors themselves appeared all over the sky. Some leaving long trails that lasted for an eternity in our retina but probably passed in the span of half a second. Somewhere beyond all those stars God is watching over us, and yet also living in our hearts at the same time.

"Why do you think God made the stars?"

"Maybe God made the stars to get us to look up."

Slowly thick fog took over that by about 5am when we left it had surrounded us to where it was like we were on a small island.

"Oh he loves us, oh how he loves us, oh how he loves us, oh how he loves us."

Broken and Blind

I've been Awol lately. Thats right. Absent without official leave.

I've been on the tightropes, getting beat up by my work load. But worst of all, I forgot where to turn and what to put my trust in. My enemy I couldn't perceive. My eyes have been swollen, my ears ringing, my nose disjointed, in short my senses had failed me.

Thankfully the guys in my corner recognized the sad state I was in, and pulled me back.

Now I'm seeking to come back.

How did I arrive at this point?

I'd forgotten where I was. Forgotten whose I was. Been trying to fight this battle on my own, only to wind up pummeled and on the ground.

I didn't feed myself or spend time in prayer because I focused too much on the physical task at hand. I began to starve and weaken. I couldn't tell which way was up.

Thanks to wise counsel, I'm picking myself up, and calling on Him who is greater than all these problems. I'm again seeking to give Him my best, and call on Him to fight these battles with me. Together we will reclaim the ground that can be reclaimed, the rest I will concede to the enemy and continue to follow the lead of my Savior and King as we move throughout the battlefield.

No more excuses, no more lying down, no more hiding in the trenches.

I'm stepping out, and retaking the initiative.

Available

What a rush Friday night. I have never seen so many people in the Boiler Room on the corner of 5th and Reade praying and worshipping in there. from 6pm-3am there was praise music, and prayers lifted up for the City of Greenville, ECU Campus, The downtown, and Pitt Community College.

I joined with Matthew Lilley and 6:22 Ministries as they led worship, and I led prayers between 7pm-9pm. After finishing our shift, I stepped into another room, while most kept going to get some water, and to physically get my bearings. Within the hour I headed back inside where I continued with others to pray, sing, and listen.

As I prayed with God I began to ask him specific questions about where he wanted me, and especially where and what during halloween. All I heard him say at that time was "Be available, be unselfish, be willing."

Its funny how when we pray, we're all in, but there's times when the mission comes up, we waver.

I started to Saturday night, when a good friend called me up needing a ride. As I talked with him on the phone, I knew he was agitated and really needed a ride. So I drove across the city, traffic was crazy, picked him up and was able to bring him back to the campus house. Did I mention traffic was crazy and getting in and out of his apartment complex meant I almost got bumped into numerous times?

Thankfully we got back without incident, and just in time to start the haunted trail which was also a source of agitation for me initially. I wanted to make sure after all the hard work we'd put into it, the tunnel got started off right, and to lessen the stress of the other planners as well.

Father, I pray that you mold my heart to be more available, to be less selfish, and to be more willing.