Envy

I’ve noticed lately, that I’ve become envious of friendship. Envious of friends who get dinner together, friends who go places, who enjoy each other’s company while I myself am alone during those times. This is not a good place to be.

So I started praying and asking God why I’m so envious. As I asked and listened God drew me back to some wounded places in my heart that still haven’t healed. I find in this desolate, bombed out place, memories from middle school and high school. Memories where I was rejected by dozens of people, told to my face “Why are you hanging around us? Go somewhere else.” I vividly recall one in the cafeteria, another in a classroom, and another where a teacher even asked me why I showed up to class 30 minutes early every morning and wasn’t out talking with anybody else. I could show you the exact places where each of these took, that’s how scarred I am from these moments.

During college I finally began to discover who I am, and found myself accepted by people for the first time. But over the past year, I’ve found my heart attacked numerous times, more bombs falling, I’m being herded back to that same wounded place in my heart.

And in the middle of all this pain, there’s a longing to be accepted, which grows up like a weed manifesting itself as envy when my friends hang out without me.

“Father come into this desolate bombed out place. Wrap your arms around me, and whisper truth to me. Heal my heart, transform these broken places into beautiful memorials that reflect your love. Remind me often that I do have friends who enjoy my company. Transform that weed into a flower, removing the envy, leaving only the need. Fulfill that need as you see fit Father. And draw me to others, who have been hurt in this way. Show/Inspire me to be a friend to those who have no friends, no one to hang with. Let me be Jesus to those who need just one person to accept them, just as I seek acceptance myself. Let my heart again overflow with joy, that those around me might be blessed.”